Destruction of their clothes, toys and other belongings is not necessarily a sign of ingratitude or disrespect. Many children who are recovering from a tough start to life due to abuse and neglect are mistrustful of receiving nice things and experience them as incongruent with their perception of their own worth and deservedness. They are unsettled by inconsistency, including in their experience of adults in a caregiving role. They may break or damage their belongings in the pursuit of consistency and, also, to reduce the likelihood of them being taken by others. Their apparent lack of care for their belongings reflects a lack of attachment to them, in anticipation that they will be lost.
A mentioned in my previous post titled Why is my child’s room always messy?, the above paragraph reflects the importance of approaching the care of children and young people who have experienced a tough start to life in thoughtful and intentional manner. None of us do anything for no reason, and until we address a child or young person’s reasons we are likely to continue to see the behaviour.
The behaviours we are concerned about are generally the child or young persons way of satisfying a need that they are preoccupied with. A preoccupation with needs arises in (prior) caregiving arrangements where there has been inadequate needs provision, especially during the early developmental period. In the case of destroying their belongings, the child or young person is pursuing consistency in their experience; of themselves, of others, and their world.
A statement I often use is ‘needs trump reason‘, by which I mean the child or young person is more likely to satisfy a need ahead of thinking about their actions and consequences that flow from our disapproval. What looks unreasonable and self-defeating in our eyes is a source of comfort and reassurance for the child or young person. Consistency is calming, and this is especially important among children and young people who are prone to uncomfortable emotions and other sensations as a result of a history of recurrent and poorly relieved distress.
Successfully addressing behaviours of concern involves turning one’s mind to the reasons for the behaviour, responding to the reasons, and keeping an eye out for signs of success in your endeavours. In the case of destroying their belongings, this might be seen as part of a child or young person’s endeavour to achieve consistency in their experience. We can respond to this by enriching their experience of consistency through developing and maintaining routines and rituals, especially in relation to caregiving practices and one-to-one time. If you already have many routines and rituals and/or are having difficulty thinking about how to enrich the child or young person’s experience of consistency, make a list of all the things that happen sometimes in your home. Can any of these be turning into a consistent routine or ritual?
Success in your endeavours is likely to be reflected by the child or young person showing more care towards their belongings (and themselves).
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Self-talk. Say to yourself, "What I think about my child's breaking his toys is upsetting me, but I can get my thoughts under control. I'll just tell myself that it's not that big of a deal. It is important to me that my child learns how to take care of his things but he doesn't know it's important-or the value of his toys, clothes or things that belong to others unless I teach him."
Empathy. Ask yourself, "How would I feel if I wanted to write on the refrigerator and tear up magazines? I'd think that it would be fun if I didn't know that it would damage them! Well, that's how my child feels. I can understand."
Teach. Tell yourself, "I can help my child learn how to be careful with clothes, toys or other things and how important it is."
Make a Rule and Supervise Play. By being there, you (or another adult) can guide your child's play into more gentle activities and stop him from destroying things before he does by accident or because he is mad. Make a rule about clothes and coloring, for example. Tell your child: The rule is that clothes are hung up and coloring is done at the table only.
Then show your child the hangers to hang up his clothes and help him hang them up together (and then ask him to do so by himself, once he learns), instead of putting them on the floor where he can step on them; give him paper and crayons to draw on at the table, so he won't draw on the table itself and destroy it.
Praise Taking Care of Toys. Say, "You are taking such good care of that toy by carefully pulling the string on the talking doggy and gently putting the doll in the dollhouse. These toys will last a long time because you are being careful and gentle with them.
Use Grandma's Rule. When your child makes a mess, use Grandma's Rule to get the crayon cleaned off the wall. Say, "When you have scrubbed the crayon off, then you may go back to playing again."
Teach Your Child to Practice Empathy. Kindly in a calm voice ask your child these questions: "How do you think your sister felt when you ripped up her homework? How would you feel if she ripped up something of yours? You wouldn't like it, right?" Tell your child that it's good to take care of other people's property by being gentle with it or by not touching it, just like we would want them to take care of ours."
Use Reprimands. Say, for example, "Stop tearing the book," and tell her why it was wrong by saying, "We want to keep our books nice so we can read them." Then tell her what she could have done instead. Say, "Books are for reading. Let's read the book." These statements don't remind her of the unacceptable behavior but teach her the acceptable one. Her destroying the book reminds you that she doesn't know what is valuable and what is not. So be sure to keep items out of her reach that you don't want accidentally destroyed.
Remove Breakable Items That You Don't Want To Take A Chance On Being Destroyed. To prevent a special vase or glass bowl from landing on the floor by accident when your child is running after your dog, for example, make sure you put it in a safe place where it cannot be broken by a young child on the move!
Keep things that your child can tear or cut in a special box. Help your child know what is okay to cut up-in order to practice cutting-and what paper is okay to draw on-in order to practice drawing. Say, "This box of paper is okay for you to use at the table. If you want to draw or cut, ask me for the markers and scissors." Than praise his doing so by saying, "Thank you or asking me before you cut, drew or ripped the paper. That is what it means to be careful."
Take Your Child to Calm Time. If you've given your child a reprimand and she destroys property again, repeat the reprimand and take her to Calm Time to calm down and take a break from doing behavior you told her not to do. When she's calm, you can talk with her about the rule about taking care of clothes, toys, etc. Tell her to think about how to take care of things rather than damaging them by asking her to repeat the rule. Then give her a big hug! You are working together to learn how to take care of things-an important lesson for life.
What not to do:
Don't Overreact. If your child breaks something, don't throw a tantrum yourself. You may be disappointed, but your anger tells her that you care more for your things than for your child.
Don't Confuse by Destroying Things You Said Not To Destroy. For example, telling her to not color on your magazines and then letting her cut pictures out of the same magazines will be confusing. Instead, explain the difference between old and new, and tell her to ask if what she wants to color or cut is old or new. When she says, "old", tell her that she is right and lead her to the box of old magazines that are okay to destroy.
Don't Replace Broken Toys. If your child deliberately breaks one of his toys, don't replace it. If he knows that a new one will magically appear, he won't learn to take care of the toys he has.