How do i live with a narcissist husband

A narcissistic spouse is typically manipulative, self-centered, difficult to feel connected to, and may be verbally aggressive or abusive. Being married to a narcissist can result in low self-esteem; diminished healthy connections with others; restricted access to resources needed to leave the relationship; and mental health struggles as a result of the narcissistic abuse endured.

What Is a Narcissist?

Someone with a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) will have an overinflated ego, a lack of empathy for others, and an intense need for excessive attention and admiration from others.1 All of this stems from having a fragile self-esteem, which can make a person explosive and hostile when criticized.

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I have been in this relationship for 28 years. I knew I was not the problem after being confused with manipulation for more than 10 years. Thus was do confusing because his mother was running the show for a long time while he was behind the scene putting more fuel. Yes, I am with aware of the danger of cohabiting with this toxic person, but I see that he will do everything to mess the children up if I leave. Espcially with kids involved, the divorce will keep him busy trying to satisfy his ego. He knows that this children are so dear to me and he will do anything to make me misserable. He will pull them away in just to see how miserable I will be come. He is such a jerk, an empty vessel. Thank you for putting up the article.

The good news is that I see God turn down his evil plan each time he mounts them up, and God cares about this children and will continue to give me the strength until when and if it is time to call it off.

Anonymous on March 15, 2021 at 9:49 pm

Dear Anna C S,

I wish very different for you! It is such a draining experience. Since he doesn’t care, as long as he is working (and not out cheating), sadly it is likely best that you and your sons don’t have to deal with him much.

Since the virus I, my sweet 7yo son, and my abusive husband have been home all the time 🥴🤯. And now I not only have to hold my own with the emotional abuse, but I also have deal with my sweetest boy starting to treat me the same way daddy does. It is super painful and scary. Luckily I used to be a child psych nurse cause I am trying so very hard and strategically to cut this off at the pass on a daily basis.

Before our son was even born, he was brushing me off most of the day, screaming at me almost every night, and then wanted to rub up on me every morning like nothing had happened. It was tortuous (cause I was already pregnant and with a chronic illness that cause me to have to leave my job). Super manipulative and disgusting! Once I had a little baby, long term insane pain do to botched delivery, no help from him, and my chronic illness – I beyond reached my limit. I def could not get any sleep next to him cause he had just been chewing me out and avoiding the rest of / my side of the conversation by going to sleep!?! I was so angry at him that I just could be relax enough to fall asleep.

I kicked him out of the bed and he has been on the couch / in the guest room / in his own room for 6+ years. For many years he was pushing sex super inappropriately based on his other behavior each day – sometimes I would give in cause he was just exhausting and not taking no for an answer and threatening to leave us with nothing and I am too sick to work, maintain a home, and care for our son. It never worked for more than moments and I was ten times as pissed when his behavior was bad right away after because I had allowed him to abuse me. He only stated to get better very painfully slowly over time when I completely shut him off of sex.

It took him over two years of Zero sex of any kind until I finally could say yes again without feeling completely revoked by him. And keep in mind, I said finally said yes long after he finally stopped demanding it, or even asking for it regularly. And it was not to please or appease him, I was only to be initiated by me for my own reasons. That was the only thing I could withhold from him that he actually super cared about — it seem there are very few things he does care about other than being super cold and disrespectful of me. Never forget your strength, your loving heart, and that the horrible behavior of others does NOT reflect on who you really are inside!!! ❤️❤️❤️

Cha on May 15, 2021 at 6:28 am

I have read so many on how to leave a narcissist, but just didn’t feel like the right move. It may some day … but this is the first time I’ve read about staying. After years of gaslighting, my self esteem and confidence shattered by my husband

The worst thing is he can be amazing and honestly sweet and this feeds my reason for not leaving. I seem to have created a monster by threatening to leave a few times and backing out of it. So he knows it will never happen. I can’t seem to leave.

I like many aspects of this guy and I hate many. I feel like I’m in a yoyo relationship. I look in the mirror and am shocked at how empty and sad my eyes look. His narcissistic abuse has broken me and I realize I have to rebuild myself if I’m to ever be strong enough to leave.

He has many people in his life that have lost respect for him. But he replaced them with other people who worship and admire him cause he’s like their super hero coming in to save the day by doing nice gestures for them solving their problems, etc.

Honestly the guy confuses me profusely. It feels like Jekyll and Hyde.

I have started to rebuild. I bought my house which he tried to discourage me from. I renovated it. I built a rental in the basement to bring extra income. I went on a retreat all by myself to gain strength.

But I still make him the priority and wake up thinking of him or fall asleep thinking of him of the good and bad in him. As of late, I wake up with small panic attacks thinking about how he may be gaslighting about this or that.

Thank you for podcast episode that allows me to see I’m not the only one stuck

Anonymous on February 28, 2022 at 4:28 pm

I’m in a 30 year marriage with four grown kids and just discovered that my husband is a narcissist. I’m so thankful for the great advise and some questions I had answered. It’s been a long road and finally I have some clearance to why his been this way for so long. My eldest son had a breakdown at 18 because of him. I forgave him, I moved on with my family & him. Also, I am still here. I wish I could have found it out early. But I will try to do the best with what I have at almost 50 it seems unlikely that I will ever get out of this thing. He did everything a narcissist does you can think of. I’ve been there and gone through it

All I can say to woman out there is empower yourself, save money and invest in a property put it aside for in case that day comes and no longer can take it. You have a nest egg and made provision for yourself to carry on. I couldn’t do but please do it for yourself and your children

Lisa on March 12, 2021 at 8:53 pm

Well, I met my spouse in 1987, my mother was dying of cancer and I was putting myself through college. My spouse was active in my singles group at church. I have given my life entirely to Christ. He was faithful to be at all the services etc. I did not have a lot of time to date. He had moved here because he had graduated from college and a local firm hired him. There was no family members locally.

After a few weeks of dating, he proposed to me, I thought well, he seems like a good Christian person. There was no pressure for sex and there was no sex prior to our wedding 8 months later. He convinced me to go to another state to meet the rest of his family 2 older brothers and his mother. He was estranged from his father because he had helped his mother get her divorce from him as they had an unhappy marriage for years. I met the mother who professed Christianity.

My mother died one week before my wedding. His estranged father showed up at the wedding with a new girl friend, I was oblivious to this as the girlfriend did not enter the church, if she did and I have thought about this, I think my precious father would not allow her. My father knew something was not right and would not allow a scene to be made, I had just buried my mother 4 days prior.

My husband could not perform on our wedding night.

Life went on, I was busy raising two children, one is profoundly retarded. My spouse worked his way up the corporate ladder while I raised my children. He ignored his son completely. In 2007 I caught him looking at something inappropriate on the internet? we put a filter up. 2011 I walked in on him working around the filter to look at women in lingerie. I called a mega church and spoke to a pastor on staff. I told him and I will never forget the words he said “Leave him immediately”

I said, “He is kind, and I don’t want my daughter to grow up without a father.” She was a teen.

He said to me, “I admire your faith” the phone call ended.

2017 I had a horrific D-day and my world was changed forever. I consumed everything I could on Sexual Addiction/Porn addiction. He cried, begged and I told him to get help.

He went to a local group, which was nothing but an enabling group.

April 2019 50 books read, I discovered a mistress and I made my first appointment here at btr.org with a coach who has helped me walk through this private “pit”. The key aspect I wanted to make is that she introduced me to narcissism. He is a Covert, non violent, sex and porn addict who chooses not to change. I have stayed due to medical/prescription/age. I put up boundaries however.

I have listened to the Betrayal Trauma Recovery podcast and read the articles on btr.org over and over and look to others to give me joy.

The other podcast is the one by Lundy Bancroft who explains the skills of the abuser.

No woman of any race, level of education is abuse proof from these individuals. Within the past 3 years, I discovered his father was a sexual cross dresser and sex and porn addict, both his brothers are sex addicts and his mother was not a Christian but was into witchcraft, the occult and sorcery for decades. I think it is so important to know and study the family you are going to inherit. My MIL/FIL died within the past three years and all of this came out. Educate, Educate and if you have to RUN!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous on April 6, 2021 at 3:54 am

Nyne, I feel you luv, I have been married to an ever-evolving narcissistic addict husband for 35 years, we have 4 children.

It hasn’t been easy I attempted suicide a few times, I really wanted to die he had me so unbelievably messed up and confused. I could not function at all, my children were very young and they didn’t understand they just heard us fighting all the time. My husband is addicted to so many things and it has been a red flag thing from the very start yet “love'” took over the hurt he was causing me, my parents hated him they saw right through him and was from “the wrong side of the tracks,” but like all of us we think our spouse will change.

Well, I have resolved to the fact after 35 years of marriage He is NOT going to change, in fact he has gotten worse. I do love him, he used to be good to me more so than ever before I started fighting back. I am telling you when you become so convinced at what a “scumbag” I was according to him it became believable I questioned everything I did and the gaslighting was deadly resulting in periods of amnesia, and my suicide attempts.

His biggest addiction is sexual porn peeping tom he was sexually abused by his brother and his friends as a child which he claims was quite pleasurable. My sexuality was compromised I gave in to his desires to keep him happy, but its NEVER enough. I am never enough. How can you tell your wife he is thinking of me while watching porn? I said to him ok that’s like me saying well when I have sex with some dude I am thinking of you. Am I right?

Girl bottom line is if you stay you must become stronger in who you are building your confidence in yourself and your abilities. Know he is the ONLY one who tries to mess with your mind because he is preying on you (woman). Don’t let that kill your whole day. He probably would never stand up to another male and fight them like mine won’t but he will go after me, especially after I catch him doing something that I hate, the porn that’s gone too far then lies and denies it so I get punished and blamed yadda yadda, shame on me.

But, I admittedly still love my husband and she’s awful mother who is also a narcissist who will always be in his corner for support. I need his money now he hasn’t worked in years I supported his butt for many years after he blamed me for losing the very job I got him. He was caught sleeping on the job and whatever, he felt above the jobs law so to speak. Now like everything else good just falls in his lap with hardly any effort ( which I still do not understand compared to the majority of people) and he lands this job in his element and I have a house and new car and well bills he can finally pay. I don’t have the greatest life but this is my way of getting back what he owes me and took from me. Maybe not the best way to move forward but there is so much involved I need his financial contributions now for sure. I am a believer and love the lord. I pray over this situation often. I find my supports elsewhere. It stinks but it is what it is I am a stronger person for the trials. Believe it or not I am an empath and very compassionate even for the toxic people in my life only those people miss out on have everything from me I would give them knowing now what I have walked through fire for to realize who I am.

Ashley bradshaw on May 18, 2021 at 10:00 pm

This is a thought provoking reality check after being with someone for over 30 years and finally becoming aware after an unusually hurtful episode which left me feeling as if some spell or drug had worn off like a sudden awakening. I tried so hard to please. I didn’t know how lost I was until what seemed like the serotonin wore off and I saw how I was being treated and kept confused.

Yet to still love and hope that there really was a connection after all. However, from that point on I saw how the lies, mirroring, and deflection was the hardest to realize.

I should have realized sooner, but I had tried so hard. Thank you for sharing these insights. I am stuck living in a granny flat due to my old age farther. But I’m going to prepare myself and come to terms with the reality of what my marriage really is.

Katelyn on May 21, 2021 at 7:45 am

Leaving my partner is just not possible. I understand now that he when asked me to sell my car and get rid of excess furniture, they were well planned hooks.

We live in the country… on a farm actually. I used to live an hour away in a boutique neighborhood. I had friends. I had a life. I now have no family (all dead) and few friends.

He encouraged me to make his home, my home. He did lots of little things like—encouraged me to get another horse when one died last summer. He asked me to rescue and take care of 2 little kitties whose mother got hit by a car. So, now I have 2 horses, a dog and 2 kitties to think about. My horses are my business. And if I leave, I will have nothing and no means of support. I will have to give up everything dear to me. And I am 60.

Now that I am fully invested in this home…doing renovations, paying what I can. (He has money, I don’t)…its getting crazy. Every time he gets triggered (and you never know what when why or how), he tells me what an idiot I am or worse and tells me to leave…knowing full well, he is the one who suggested most everything that put me in the position of making this my home. We aren’t married and everything is his. I have no legal ground to stand on.

He tells me I am dug in to his home like a tick and will never leave. He keeps me so unbalanced and off kilter, I never know what to believe. I know I am the one who made the decision to move in. That was quite a few years ago. I cannot seem to find steady ground. This is a beautiful place to live. And he uses it all and abuses me mentally, emotionally, and verbally.

When I tell him what I want and need, he laughs at me. He knows I can’t leave … so he treats me in whatever way he feels like it. When I stick up for myself through talking, I am told, “I watch lot of movies. No woman ever talks back to a man like you do. As a man, I do not have to put up with your sh**. This is all mine. I am the king here even though the crown weighs heavily on me.”

If he is that king, then I am no better than Cinderella working for the evil step sisters.

Amy Brantley on November 27, 2021 at 12:26 pm

This is almost exactly me. We recently moved to a farm where I am isolated and mentally tormented.

My two boys are dealt with like slaves while his are given everything new and free of strings. He has money and tells me to buy things because he thinks the end of days are coming, then yells at me for wasting his money. I was sleeping with a gun in fear of his rages. I left. It has been 3 months, my children and I are homeless and broke.

He will randomly text me when he is not on vacation, with another woman or has friends around. All he says is he loves me but gives nothing more, not even fake promises. I have nothing and feel I will lose my children anyway to him because he has all the money and lawyers. What do I do? I love the man I married, not this monster. He is also an active addict, I have 12 years clean. What have you found to help you cope? I cry all day and struggle to just get out of bed. I have 2 friends left and they are in fear if I go back he will hurt us even more for our attempt to leave. Any suggestions are appreciated.

Jen on June 8, 2021 at 7:34 pm

Wow! How life has changed when nothing actually changed. It’s bizarre yet powerful! Changing the lens of perception we view life through can suddenly change everything! I relate to so much of what has been said in the podcast and on these posts. My whole world came crashing down a couple of months ago when those lightbulb moments started. It was actually through dragging my daughter to countless therapy sessions and trying to figure stuff out that I realized her dad treats me exactly the same way as she does.

Neither of them can see it in themselves yet they each see it in the other and are disgusted by the other’s behavior! My son and I find it so incomprehensible how they don’t realize they are both manifesting the same behaviors. I am emotionally exhausted and shattered and done. They both shut me down so I have no voice. They have no empathy, blame me for everything (nothing is ever their fault), both explode and get extremely defensive if I dare mention anything different to what they want to hear. My opinions are wrong and its like they just oppose them for the sake of opposing. My feelings are ridiculous, wrong and dismissed as being invalid.

Over the years I learned how I needed to be in order to make the marriage work. Learned what I could and couldn’t say. There is little to no emotional connection, and I fill the voids with shallow conversations. My whole life has revolved around them. I am totally suffocated! More so now that my husband keeps ‘working from home’ and my daughter has dropped out if school and is doing online classes. I have no friends and my family all live in the UK.

My husband is against my family and filled my head with awful things about them to pull me away from them. He has always wanted me exclusively to himself and even gets jealous of the kids! My son is my rock, and he too is often on the receiving end of their self absorbed ways. I feel objectified by my husband when having sex. He persuaded me it was ok to have sex before marriage even though it went against my beliefs. He twisted things, wouldn’t take no for an answer and wore me down until I said yes. Which has been a repeated pattern when he wanted me to do a nude photo shoot in front of a make photographer on my own to ‘help me recover from my eating disorder’, constantly messaging me for nude photos and taking nude photos and getting me to watch a video of another couple so we would get some ideas of what to do, constantly producing new toys for the bedroom in the middle of sex but would never tell me about them or show me them just blindfolded me and used them.

He convinced me to do another nude photo shoot, but this time a couples one in a hotel with a female photographer basically doing the ‘deed’. I felt awful, violated, disgusted but went along with it to please him. He took me to a raunchy show with pole dancers as a ‘surprise Christmas present’ that I hated. Always makes me feel like a ‘prude’ if I don’t want to do any of it and always ‘persuades me’. He played a prank on me telling me the photographer wanted me to do a shoot for a porn magazine and he spent days/weeks trying to convince me to do it as they would pay me and give me a free holiday. He even drew up a contract with a letterhead from a porn mag and wrote on it the most disgusting questions re sex preferences. Eventually I said ‘look, the answer is no’ and he just burst out laughing and said it was all a big joke. He doesn’t understand why it upset me and says it was just a joke!

Every time I said ‘if this is a joke, tell me now’ he promised me it wasn’t and I believed him! I feel so stupid that none of this dawned on me before! I am convinced he must be into porn or something or has some kind of problem but he would just deny it if I asked him and turn it back on me. Since I started to wake up to this, I have gone through feeling betrayed, stabbed in the back, stupid, grieving for a marriage that was not what I perceived it to be. I feel angry, upset, hurt and always incredibly guilty and guilty for sharing my story or even suggesting he is like this. I have moments of clarity mixed with confusion and more light bulb moments.

I have convinced him to go to marriage counselling on Friday, but he has no idea why we are going, I told him either I go for therapy on my own or we go together because I must be going crazy. He opted for going together. My plan is to ask him for honesty re does he do porn, affairs etc and to talk about the sex issues. From there, if he is honest with me I have chosen to forgive him and hope we can move forward. The rest I will put up with for now. Today I have my daughter starting therapy which I hope will help her. I have gone back to church and tonight I am going to be brave and go to a connect group from church. I don’t know anyone, but I need to start somewhere. I am reconnecting with my family and have been able to share this with my parents who have been hugely supportive. I intend to get my emotional connections and relationships elsewhere and try to get out of the pressure cooker for a break whenever I can! Small steps forward! I feel so guilty that Friday may shake his world and I keep questioning if i should just ignore it all..,

Anne Blythe on June 9, 2021 at 6:51 am

Jen! We love you. We are so glad you found us. We do not recommend that you go to couple therapy with your abuser. Confronting him when you haven’t set up boundaries will put you in danger. Have you considered scheduling with Coach Renee and setting boundaries first, and observing from a safe distance? What you’re describing here is serious sexual abuse in the form of sexual coercion, emotional abuse, and psychological abuse. You may also be a victim of sexual trafficking. The plan you suggest here seems like a recipe for two outcomes: he will promise to change but not change (groom you) and use manipulative kindness for a bit to convince you he’s changed or he will become more overtly abusive. I am concerned that this plan will make things worse for you. Please reach out so we can help you develop a plan to get you to emotional, psychological, and sexual safety.

Jen on June 9, 2021 at 10:21 pm

Hi Anne,

Thank you so much for your reply. I have managed to book an appointment with a counsellor this afternoon on my own to talk through tomorrow’s couple therapy session. I feel as though I may need to cancel the couples session, but need to figure out a way forward. My husband is a christian as am I. He is currently in ‘nice mode’ which makes me doubt everything. But I know thats part of how he gets his own way and starts ‘playing ball’ to get me back in his corner. I started a connect group last night from church and it was so scary but sooo good! I am just exhausted with the confusion and mixed up thinking.

It’s so hard because my parents and son are the only ones I can really talk to about this. I am working through making changes and moving forward in the best way possible. I still love my husband and as silly as it sounds I don’t want to leave him.

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